Hero

Back in the day, I used to take long walks to certain places in a flip of a coin. Heads meant strolling back to memory lane, mostly to the capital, tails for random wandering. More often than not, I find myself lost after a couple of hours. I didn't have to worry about going home; I always knew my way to places. I was lost in a sense that I was not found, nor was in the process of being retrieved. I was nonexistent. I was treated as a specter, a wisp, an apparition; Everybody knows of my existence, some even acknowledge it, but, I am not seen nor heard. Not that I really cared about the idea before, but then again, I chose to drift, floating like a fallen leaf on a river. I didn't want to be bothered, I didn't want to be found.

I believed that there was no healing process for somebody who chose to not feel. There was no pain felt to begin with. Or maybe what had happened was that instead of a release, an emotional lock-down occurred, restraining any chance of either good or bad outcomes to happen. There was no happiness nor sadness to be understood. Hence, The Drifting Flame.

Although, memories are just memories. And from what I might have learned from those small tours through the years, being hollow to the world does have its benefits. I learned how to be unbiased. I learned how to tell people how to see what benefits both parties more while pointing out their mistakes without causing more damage. I learned how to be more tolerant with people who only has words as weapons, although sticks and stones will still do more to me. I learned why people do the things they do, but I would not tell them if it would not be necessary to say so.

I can't say I am indebted to a certain someone or something for this trait I possess, since nobody really showed me how to be me. I did not have any role models, no Supermen nor Batmen. But, I do know I want to be selfless. I want to save people, but be forgotten after the deed. I want to disappear just like the wind, I want to be needed but people would have no control over when I would appear and how.

But of course, I am also human. Even after all that I had been through, I would always want to reserve a little bit of something for people who want me to stay. I can never say that they are mine, but as far as I see it, I am and always will be theirs, be it family, friends, or a loved one. The things I do might not be very understandable for the most of the world, but what I can do is struggle with the strength I have been given, and if possible, make miracles happen, so that by the time I really do come home, physically and mentally, I will have become somebody they can be proud of...

A hero, even just for one day.

Again

How can I be strong, I ask myself, time and time I say... I don't want to walk this earth if I gotta do it solo.

Four months. Haven't checked in on this for ages. I'm losing my pride, my balance, my will to be. It's one of those times that you can never figure out why people could get so cold and yet, be as gentle afterwards. A roundtrip from the Arctic passing through Africa and ending on the Antarctic, only to backtrack down south again. I'm tired. I want to settle down. If only there was some way to procure that amount of money before the two months end, then I would do exactly that, by all means.

Please give me the strength to go on and make it happen. I really need it. I don't care how much, as long as I can make her happy everyday, that would do. If not, then at least let me fight until my last breath passes. She deserves to be happy, and that is all I am fighting for.

Tadhana

Como estas, mga ungas. Ngayon ko lang 'to gagawin, kaya maswerte kayo. 'Di ako nag-Tatagalog sa lahat nga aking mga sinusulat sa kahit saan, dahil di lang ata ako nasanay sa ganitong pamamaraan. Pero sige, pagbibigyan ko ang sarili ko na rin na ipahiwatig ang aking nararamdaman sa kasulatang ito.

Hindi ako makaalis sa bahay ko, dahil sa kakulangan ng pera at sa kakahintay ng pwedeng mapag-diskartehan ng pagbebentahan ng mga gamit kong di magamit-gamit. Wala pa naman talagang magawa dito, at sobrang parang pakiramdam ko'y napapa-inutil ako sa katangahan ko. Maliban sa panonood ng mga pelikula dito sa bahay, ako'y naka-tengga lamang dito.

Hindi ko mabati ng maayos ang aking kasintahan sa pamamagitan ng aking Aino, dahil wala etong perang nakasaksak dito. Bahala na. Kahit na magalit siya, hahabulin ko pa rin ang oras, para lang siya ay makapag-usap muli sa akin. Ngayon ang kanyang kaarawan, at sobrang pinahahalagahan ko yun. Nahihiya nga ako't wala pa rin akong regalo sa kanya kahit papano eh...

Ah, basta. paggising ko sa umaga mamaya, hahanap ako ng mabilis at malinis na pagkakakitaan. Hindi pwedeng nakasaplot na lang lagi ako sa kumot ko't giniginaw. Para maging masaya ang mga taong mahal ko, keailangan kong magpawis. Kahit ngayong araw lang na ito.

Ang aking minamahal ay matapang, makulit, brusko minsan. Malambing din yan, kapag nasa tamang kondisyon ang puso. Hindi ko lang matimpla ng maayos minsan ang damdamin niya, kahit kalahating taon na kami. Pero hindi porke't mahal namin ang isa't isa ay hindi na ako magiging mabuting lalake araw-araw para sa kanya. Pero minsan, takot siyang magsalita ng kanyang damdamin kapag siya ay napipikon o nagagalit. Parang bawat panahon na may makita siyang hindi niya gusto, ako't burado na agad sa paningin niya at kailangan ko siyang ligawan ng todo para magbalik ang kanyang pagmamahal. Hirap akong panatilihin ito, kung aaminin ko. Pero hindi ako sumusuko dahil siya ang tadhana ng aking puso, at kahit ang kalagayan namin ay magulo sa paningin ng iba, madali lang ang aking piniling daan.

Mahalin siya ng lubusan.

Ba't 'di pa sabihin ang hindi mo maamin? Ipa-uubaya na lang ba 'to sa hangin? Huwag mong ikatakot ang bulong ng damdamin mo... Naririto ako at nakikinig sa iýo.

Pinch Me

Woke up around five kilometers from my flat. Late for breakfast on my blood-kin's birth anniversary. Vultures waiting to feast on whatever's not breathing. New blog design.

Vultures? Haha. My creative freedom will be rendered moot if I am constantly apprehended by other people's selfish acts of taking away my time and momentum. Sometimes I can't concentrate when somebody's physically there, watching how I do stuff. It really does bother me. But when it comes to talking or texting with somebody over the phone, that much I can pretty deal with no problems. I guess that's how my mind wants to work.

Anyway, I've just re-established bloodline connections again after a nice, short run with the previous place I was living in. Sure, I miss the place, but practicality states that I would not want to stay there for that long, and that I'd have to find a better place that's more accessible to other areas of interest. And the future missus would not approve of the place as well!

The deposited money for the rent is still put on hold, so I still have to wait for a month for any four-digit payouts to arrive. Furniture's also stuck at the old place, which is sort of okay with me, since I've got no place to leave them, even at my blood-kin's home. But the problem still lies - I still need the dough to survive for the month. It's gonna be the redundantly-mentioned future missus' birthday in a day or less, so I'm rushing my options here.

Gotta hurry. As soon as I'm back on track, I'd have more to do. I'm actually excited about this. Just as long as I have the will to do so, I can make it. And so can she.

When you realize that with a guy my size might take a while just to try to figure out what all this is for...

Pinch me.

20 Seconds

1:46 am. Here at the old folks' house, waiting for the second meal of the day. My blood dude cooks us up something to relieve our stomachs from the pain it felt for the past ten hours. The living room smells like butter on the side, making my heartbeat go slower, making my mind journey through where the Sandman is.

I can't sleep yet; it's not yet time for me to retire.

Twenty seconds have passed. Time is now gradually decelerating. Vision's slowly experiencing an Intersect-like video-clip marathon. A second feels like a thousand memories replaying all over my head. Memories that have made me, broken me and rebuilt me, like in the movies, left me a mental scar. I was a constant state of flux... I hated it.

I was rash, irrational, erratic even. The world was my playground, and I loved it. I had tried to remove everything that pained me via forcing my way to a drunken stupor of reverse melancholy. I can't say whether it backfired or not, the effects were unnoticeable to the naked mind. How come most people cry it all out while I am unable to know what I am doing, yet still suffer the same effects of sorrow? Why?

Now out of nowhere, a cool breeze passed me by. It was nothing special, things like these get easily forgotten in a moment's time. But the moment I tried remembering how it felt, it made an impact... it got stuck in my head, and it felt good.

The forecast told me that a storm was arising just miles behind that cool breeze. I had to prepare. Darkness had spread to the skies. All that is visible are streaks of lightning, and the explosions of thunder. If I make it through this, would that cool summer breeze go back and stay for another moment?

I don't care how long it takes - bring it on. I might not have an umbrella, but all I need for today are my feet to keep me standing. I will hold onto the ground until it all ends, because I know in my heart, those small things that make you smile are all worth fighting for, even if it does get cold at times.

I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change.

I finally found myself, fighting for a chance.

I know now, this is who I really am.

Rainy Days and Mondays

Staying home has its ups and downs.

I got to meet one of the most beautiful girls in wherever, thanks to a special someone. She's young, lively, doesn't listen to anything that much, has tantrums every hour for inexplainable reasons, and a certified momma's girl. She hasn't stayed that long enough for me to bond effectively with her, yet it certainly feels like I've at least made an impact on her.

We had gone off to a local mall around lunch after we got her from miles away. She was sleeping like a baby while travelling, not wanting to care about the outside world, or anywhere for that matter. It felt like she had seen the city lights for the first time, so it felt like a great honor to let her experience the urban life for a change. She even got herself a pink cellphone to boot.

She stayed with us for approximately three days. We had lots of fun, had her stroll around the village while taking
a look-see on the local folks. The girl's not that good when it comes to interacting with new people, but she picks up really well when it comes to things she likes, like outdoor roaming and the usual afternoon siestas.

It's not that easy looking out for her, believe me. If not for the people around me, I would have let her do as she wished in a whim. An untamed horse she is, yet there is a certain gleam in her eyes that expressed happiness for the time she had with us. It might take a while for me to see her again, but it's worth the wait. I hope she still remembers me and the moments we've spent together.

If not for those people who were there, and those who stayed, and even those who had just passed me by, rainy days and Mondays will always get me down.

Thank you.

Welcome

Maybe I act on confused behavior, all this time we heard alarms.

This humble abode has a puncture on my bed. I don't have the exact words to describe the idea, but just to cut the Gordon's knot, let's say that I've gotten Sheldoned out of the picture by my own insecurity. Enveloped by my own impulse to just mash away the buttons of wanton desire to be happy just for a day, I then felt like a complete dog on a leash after getting whipped in the ass by the conformities of normal life. I know that the rules should not apply to my unorthodox way of thinking, but for the sake of cohabitation, I guess the right thing to do is to kneel down and not bark when the humans are retiring for the eve.

The only other one who shares my part of the bone would be my bitch, so to speak. Not the colloquial one, if that's what you're thinking. My partner. Of course it's a she, dumbass.

I've got no qualms about how stuff rolls, but there are times that dogs chase cars for no apparent reason. I hope that the world acknowledges that, even though no one understands why. We bark at midnight just to make ourselves not feel left out, so why not let us? It's hard just doing what you are supposed to do while you're awake, but how about those times that you just want to howl at the moon? You can't, you're in a cage. And even if you did, you'd get reprimanded for doing what you normally do anyway, so why bother?

I'm a dog, there is no doubt about that. I'm loyal, capable and adaptive. But I still have my own quirks and needs only a dog can understand.

Let me howl. It's my only release from your world to mine. You already have the lion's share, so at least let me commune with the moon. It doesn't talk back to me, but aside from my partner, that's all I have.

I can't be a bother to everybody, but I want to play out this screen. You won't cry, we won't scream.

One Strain At A Time

There's a couple of drunk young folks right behind me. One of them keeps on flipping the bitch word, her metro-friend seems to enjoy the attention. Their fallback guy just turned the volume up on his gangster hiphop beat from his customized boombox inside his car, all while the other two ladies make out at the back.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Guess not. I'm just a local nerd, sipping float at Ronald's place, trying to get my minutes up. I'm here, trying to keep my peace, until these bunch of ecstasy-infused degenerates came and spoiled my solitude. I'm guessing that's vodka and french fries that the other girl threw up on the floor, while the fastfood store is now contaminated with that cheap face powder smell.

I can't think straight. I was able to earlier, but now my mood has swung from "McGyver-inspired" to "Killing in the name of", and to top it all off, Old Kaji is arising. Just one more nudge, and I'll ruin their cosmetically-enhanced faces, burn their piece-of-shit-they-call-a-car, get their wallets and purses, and step on their entrails. I'll put some swagger on my walk while I'm at it.

Oops. Too much typing on my Aino lost me my chance. They turned tails and left. Shit.

When will fate let me exact my just fortune? When can I get myself rid of my subconscious attacks on the world? How can I live my dreams without sacrificing the ones I cherish and love?

I know of only one who can help me. But unless that which I cannot name cannot, then I fear that I would again be lost. All I have is this year to make things worth the life I've spent. But if not, then that's just three miles from the rest stop.

I might become that lost oar again.

Fast Car

And I have a feeling that I belong.

Whoa.

That didn't sound right.

Here with old-school friends from another call center with my better half. Drinking brandy with shrimp chips on the side. It's one of the simpler, more refined moments in everyday life.

And yet, it's something that I've had longed for ever since.

Would this be the time to make a stand, or would I just fall from a tree and be swept away by the wind again? I'd rather...

...but I have a feeling that I could be someone.

Take That

Got a fist of pure emotion, got a head of shattered dreams, gotta leave it all behind now.

Haha. Take That LSS. Now there's some Lambada song playing on the PS3. 'Nuff said.

Got my girlfriend adjusting the electric fan for some reason. May go to the grocery for, uhm, well, you know, grocery stuff. It's a stupid anecdote, I know. And yeah. I'm now enrolled in a buffing-up steroid-clad place to bulk up. The hell.

See how most of who I was has now evolved into something better over the past year. It's been a roller-coaster-ride of sorts again, and I'm proud to say that I like this current administration, iron fist and all. I'm now rid of past ghosts and other things you'll need a vacuum cleaner to contain. Now all I need to do is to keep this up, and maybe I'll win a Nobel Prize for perseverance or two.

Somehow, the current situation I'm in is a lot more complicated than it seems, but somehow, I see it in a 3D-glasses perspective. It does excite me more now, taking challenges like these and hitting them where it hurts. Although I still kinda miss the occasional drifting every now and then, at least I've got a pad to chow on, semi-permanently.

The problem is, I'm starting to feel at home.

I guess now it's time, that you came back for good.

The Young Stale Memories Of

Blogging for the first time since last year... and voila! I'm doing this with my trusty black Sony Ericsson Aino and a stable internet connection to boot. I'm still trying to get the hang of it, though. Of course miniscule versions come with limited possibilities, until somebody invents an upgrade and along with it, another software price hike.

I've moved out of the place that I've been with for the past 6 years. Now I'm partially proud that I'm renting a fully-functional house, due to the fact that I'm partially sharing space and expenses with former workmates. Not bad at all.

Got to move on with life as well. I now am in an official long-term relationship again. It's a little bit rocky on the side, but it's nothing that can't be ironed out. Work's not what it was before too. It's the first time that an account had challenged me this much.

I'm going on a trip to Pleasantville if this keeps up. This is too good to be true.

Watch mode.