Welcome

Maybe I act on confused behavior, all this time we heard alarms.

This humble abode has a puncture on my bed. I don't have the exact words to describe the idea, but just to cut the Gordon's knot, let's say that I've gotten Sheldoned out of the picture by my own insecurity. Enveloped by my own impulse to just mash away the buttons of wanton desire to be happy just for a day, I then felt like a complete dog on a leash after getting whipped in the ass by the conformities of normal life. I know that the rules should not apply to my unorthodox way of thinking, but for the sake of cohabitation, I guess the right thing to do is to kneel down and not bark when the humans are retiring for the eve.

The only other one who shares my part of the bone would be my bitch, so to speak. Not the colloquial one, if that's what you're thinking. My partner. Of course it's a she, dumbass.

I've got no qualms about how stuff rolls, but there are times that dogs chase cars for no apparent reason. I hope that the world acknowledges that, even though no one understands why. We bark at midnight just to make ourselves not feel left out, so why not let us? It's hard just doing what you are supposed to do while you're awake, but how about those times that you just want to howl at the moon? You can't, you're in a cage. And even if you did, you'd get reprimanded for doing what you normally do anyway, so why bother?

I'm a dog, there is no doubt about that. I'm loyal, capable and adaptive. But I still have my own quirks and needs only a dog can understand.

Let me howl. It's my only release from your world to mine. You already have the lion's share, so at least let me commune with the moon. It doesn't talk back to me, but aside from my partner, that's all I have.

I can't be a bother to everybody, but I want to play out this screen. You won't cry, we won't scream.

One Strain At A Time

There's a couple of drunk young folks right behind me. One of them keeps on flipping the bitch word, her metro-friend seems to enjoy the attention. Their fallback guy just turned the volume up on his gangster hiphop beat from his customized boombox inside his car, all while the other two ladies make out at the back.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Guess not. I'm just a local nerd, sipping float at Ronald's place, trying to get my minutes up. I'm here, trying to keep my peace, until these bunch of ecstasy-infused degenerates came and spoiled my solitude. I'm guessing that's vodka and french fries that the other girl threw up on the floor, while the fastfood store is now contaminated with that cheap face powder smell.

I can't think straight. I was able to earlier, but now my mood has swung from "McGyver-inspired" to "Killing in the name of", and to top it all off, Old Kaji is arising. Just one more nudge, and I'll ruin their cosmetically-enhanced faces, burn their piece-of-shit-they-call-a-car, get their wallets and purses, and step on their entrails. I'll put some swagger on my walk while I'm at it.

Oops. Too much typing on my Aino lost me my chance. They turned tails and left. Shit.

When will fate let me exact my just fortune? When can I get myself rid of my subconscious attacks on the world? How can I live my dreams without sacrificing the ones I cherish and love?

I know of only one who can help me. But unless that which I cannot name cannot, then I fear that I would again be lost. All I have is this year to make things worth the life I've spent. But if not, then that's just three miles from the rest stop.

I might become that lost oar again.

Fast Car

And I have a feeling that I belong.

Whoa.

That didn't sound right.

Here with old-school friends from another call center with my better half. Drinking brandy with shrimp chips on the side. It's one of the simpler, more refined moments in everyday life.

And yet, it's something that I've had longed for ever since.

Would this be the time to make a stand, or would I just fall from a tree and be swept away by the wind again? I'd rather...

...but I have a feeling that I could be someone.

Take That

Got a fist of pure emotion, got a head of shattered dreams, gotta leave it all behind now.

Haha. Take That LSS. Now there's some Lambada song playing on the PS3. 'Nuff said.

Got my girlfriend adjusting the electric fan for some reason. May go to the grocery for, uhm, well, you know, grocery stuff. It's a stupid anecdote, I know. And yeah. I'm now enrolled in a buffing-up steroid-clad place to bulk up. The hell.

See how most of who I was has now evolved into something better over the past year. It's been a roller-coaster-ride of sorts again, and I'm proud to say that I like this current administration, iron fist and all. I'm now rid of past ghosts and other things you'll need a vacuum cleaner to contain. Now all I need to do is to keep this up, and maybe I'll win a Nobel Prize for perseverance or two.

Somehow, the current situation I'm in is a lot more complicated than it seems, but somehow, I see it in a 3D-glasses perspective. It does excite me more now, taking challenges like these and hitting them where it hurts. Although I still kinda miss the occasional drifting every now and then, at least I've got a pad to chow on, semi-permanently.

The problem is, I'm starting to feel at home.

I guess now it's time, that you came back for good.

The Young Stale Memories Of

Blogging for the first time since last year... and voila! I'm doing this with my trusty black Sony Ericsson Aino and a stable internet connection to boot. I'm still trying to get the hang of it, though. Of course miniscule versions come with limited possibilities, until somebody invents an upgrade and along with it, another software price hike.

I've moved out of the place that I've been with for the past 6 years. Now I'm partially proud that I'm renting a fully-functional house, due to the fact that I'm partially sharing space and expenses with former workmates. Not bad at all.

Got to move on with life as well. I now am in an official long-term relationship again. It's a little bit rocky on the side, but it's nothing that can't be ironed out. Work's not what it was before too. It's the first time that an account had challenged me this much.

I'm going on a trip to Pleasantville if this keeps up. This is too good to be true.

Watch mode.

100 Years

Wow. Even while blogging important stuff, I still seem to get late.

Today (or rather, March 1) is an anniversary of sorts for me, yet I'm stuck here due to responsibilities, or should I say, debts, again. Dudes here are clearing out trash by the ton here at home, something I could not do efficiently. I wished I wasn't here for the count, since I know that I'm more of a liability when it comes to household chores than an asset. As much as I like helping people out with their needs, I just couldn't help but feel like I've missed out on a very important occasion. I wanted to be alone and take a look back on everything that's transpired over the years, but I was unable to do so. It all started before I woke up...

I've dreamt of her, again. It's just like what always happens day in, day out. No matter how much I try to occupy myself with endless tasks to rid myself of her memory, she somehow manages to linger on in my subconscious. It's irritating, it's excruciating, it's crucifying me alive. I've worked my ass off jumping from one job to another, kept myself busy with close friends, visited some folks every once in a while, collecting as much memories as I can to overwrite the previous ones, but every time I dream, I am forced to watch tormenting flashbacks of how it once were and how it all broke up.

I couldn't take it.

And then slowly I realized that I wasn't the same anymore. Unconsciously I become more of an ass the moment I lay my eyes on the world, pissing people off deliberately without a second thought or a hint of good conscience. Think of Grumpy shrouded with a mental layer of adamantium. Sick.

I didn't want the world to pity me and my dilemma; a guilt-ridden guy covered in a shell of apathy. I know that some people already have an idea about why that loose screw fell, and they know that it's not their place to say anything about it in order to keep me on a stable path. I know how they feel, their efforts are not unnoticed. I just don't want to burden them with mine, so I do my best to just be sane and get along with it. But whatever I can act in the real world is not the same as what's inside this head. It's consuming me slowly. I am experiencing it as I write this.

My life these past three years was only about trying to move on. I got to have at least five affairs after 2007, none of them ever successfully removed 2005 out of my mind. None of them ever had. Even family, friends and workmates. In the end, I am still haunted by that one measly failure, and just like Frodo, I have no way of ever making it go away. At least currently.

There are only two ways that I could go with this. One, I could just endure this for the rest of my life, and two, I could see her again and tell her everything before I succumb to the depths of hell. Yet both choices are as near-impossible as I thought. In my current condition, I am only able to just move along with what the world needs of me. I've got no leeway to have time to solve this or even to think of a plan to solve this anyway. I wish I still have time to buy, time to lose myself, within a morning star.

I'm twenty-plus for a moment, and I'm just dreaming, counting the ways to where you are.

Time Consumer

After some weeks of continuous daydreaming/procrastinating, Kajiren is back on the blog business! Got this nice logo printed out on pins done by a friend, and it kinda sparked a flame on my dormant mind. Here's what it looked like, by the way:

This was designed using the original Dreamscar font from a Photoshop file that one of my coleagues owned. It had a weird Celtic feel to it, like it was medievally classic yet modern to the eyes. I then added the red bottlecap design (Coke, anyone?), put on gradients, and voila. Enter the Vaten logo.

Most of my inner-circle friends have at least one in their possession, and it did look cool on their bags and stuff. Then one day, they asked me if I could create individual IDs for the group, which I gladly obliged to do so, since I had nothing else to do anyway. At first, I didn't have an idea on how to design the IDs, but that's where googling stuff comes in. I've done sample IDs before, yes, but they were too generic in terms of showing off. Those old IDs look like what you see in your Elementary days, not worth mentioning. You do remember your childhood, right?

As of today, I've finished 25 IDs, 16 of those which are already confirmed for printing, and among those 16, 12 of them has the back side already filled up. To show you a preview, here's what my ID template looks like:












Boring, right? Of course. I was gonna draft separate layouts for this, and in one brief moment, I told myself, why make limited designs when I can just ask them what they want added there? Why not personalize it to their liking? So I tried it on the first ever ID (mine, obviously) using this template, and as you see below, it turned out great.












The back part was easier to do. I just did a little bit of tweaking on the original design. I grayscaled the top and the bottom parts, left the basic background design for a more simplistic look, and added character information on the middle of the image like the QR code, among others.












Printing will be done sometime next week, as I am still waiting for any last-minute changes from the people whom I designed those for; and as soon as I'm done with everyone's designs, I'll be more than glad to publish them here. The IDs might be printed on a 3.5x2.5 inch PVC format, laminated and hardbound for protection.

Well, that's it for my first step in making something that's worthwhile. I'm excited in doing more for the group, like T-Shirts, ID laces, even jackets maybe. This may prove useful in promoting the clan in public events, conventions and all.

As of the moment, I'm gonna find a way to get myself beer, and with that said, until next time, fools.