Wow. Even while blogging important stuff, I still seem to get late.
Today (or rather, March 1) is an anniversary of sorts for me, yet I'm stuck here due to responsibilities, or should I say, debts, again. Dudes here are clearing out trash by the ton here at home, something I could not do efficiently. I wished I wasn't here for the count, since I know that I'm more of a liability when it comes to household chores than an asset. As much as I like helping people out with their needs, I just couldn't help but feel like I've missed out on a very important occasion. I wanted to be alone and take a look back on everything that's transpired over the years, but I was unable to do so. It all started before I woke up...
I've dreamt of her, again. It's just like what always happens day in, day out. No matter how much I try to occupy myself with endless tasks to rid myself of her memory, she somehow manages to linger on in my subconscious. It's irritating, it's excruciating, it's crucifying me alive. I've worked my ass off jumping from one job to another, kept myself busy with close friends, visited some folks every once in a while, collecting as much memories as I can to overwrite the previous ones, but every time I dream, I am forced to watch tormenting flashbacks of how it once were and how it all broke up.
I couldn't take it.
And then slowly I realized that I wasn't the same anymore. Unconsciously I become more of an ass the moment I lay my eyes on the world, pissing people off deliberately without a second thought or a hint of good conscience. Think of Grumpy shrouded with a mental layer of adamantium. Sick.
I didn't want the world to pity me and my dilemma; a guilt-ridden guy covered in a shell of apathy. I know that some people already have an idea about why that loose screw fell, and they know that it's not their place to say anything about it in order to keep me on a stable path. I know how they feel, their efforts are not unnoticed. I just don't want to burden them with mine, so I do my best to just be sane and get along with it. But whatever I can act in the real world is not the same as what's inside this head. It's consuming me slowly. I am experiencing it as I write this.
My life these past three years was only about trying to move on. I got to have at least five affairs after 2007, none of them ever successfully removed 2005 out of my mind. None of them ever had. Even family, friends and workmates. In the end, I am still haunted by that one measly failure, and just like Frodo, I have no way of ever making it go away. At least currently.
There are only two ways that I could go with this. One, I could just endure this for the rest of my life, and two, I could see her again and tell her everything before I succumb to the depths of hell. Yet both choices are as near-impossible as I thought. In my current condition, I am only able to just move along with what the world needs of me. I've got no leeway to have time to solve this or even to think of a plan to solve this anyway. I wish I still have time to buy, time to lose myself, within a morning star.
I'm twenty-plus for a moment, and I'm just dreaming, counting the ways to where you are.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Time Consumer
After some weeks of continuous daydreaming/procrastinating, Kajiren is back on the blog business! Got this nice logo printed out on pins done by a friend, and it kinda sparked a flame on my dormant mind. Here's what it looked like, by the way:
This was designed using the original Dreamscar font from a Photoshop file that one of my coleagues owned. It had a weird Celtic feel to it, like it was medievally classic yet modern to the eyes. I then added the red bottlecap design (Coke, anyone?), put on gradients, and voila. Enter the Vaten logo.
Most of my inner-circle friends have at least one in their possession, and it did look cool on their bags and stuff. Then one day, they asked me if I could create individual IDs for the group, which I gladly obliged to do so, since I had nothing else to do anyway. At first, I didn't have an idea on how to design the IDs, but that's where googling stuff comes in. I've done sample IDs before, yes, but they were too generic in terms of showing off. Those old IDs look like what you see in your Elementary days, not worth mentioning. You do remember your childhood, right?
As of today, I've finished 25 IDs, 16 of those which are already confirmed for printing, and among those 16, 12 of them has the back side already filled up. To show you a preview, here's what my ID template looks like:
Boring, right? Of course. I was gonna draft separate layouts for this, and in one brief moment, I told myself, why make limited designs when I can just ask them what they want added there? Why not personalize it to their liking? So I tried it on the first ever ID (mine, obviously) using this template, and as you see below, it turned out great.
The back part was easier to do. I just did a little bit of tweaking on the original design. I grayscaled the top and the bottom parts, left the basic background design for a more simplistic look, and added character information on the middle of the image like the QR code, among others.
Printing will be done sometime next week, as I am still waiting for any last-minute changes from the people whom I designed those for; and as soon as I'm done with everyone's designs, I'll be more than glad to publish them here. The IDs might be printed on a 3.5x2.5 inch PVC format, laminated and hardbound for protection.
Well, that's it for my first step in making something that's worthwhile. I'm excited in doing more for the group, like T-Shirts, ID laces, even jackets maybe. This may prove useful in promoting the clan in public events, conventions and all.
As of the moment, I'm gonna find a way to get myself beer, and with that said, until next time, fools.
This was designed using the original Dreamscar font from a Photoshop file that one of my coleagues owned. It had a weird Celtic feel to it, like it was medievally classic yet modern to the eyes. I then added the red bottlecap design (Coke, anyone?), put on gradients, and voila. Enter the Vaten logo.Most of my inner-circle friends have at least one in their possession, and it did look cool on their bags and stuff. Then one day, they asked me if I could create individual IDs for the group, which I gladly obliged to do so, since I had nothing else to do anyway. At first, I didn't have an idea on how to design the IDs, but that's where googling stuff comes in. I've done sample IDs before, yes, but they were too generic in terms of showing off. Those old IDs look like what you see in your Elementary days, not worth mentioning. You do remember your childhood, right?
As of today, I've finished 25 IDs, 16 of those which are already confirmed for printing, and among those 16, 12 of them has the back side already filled up. To show you a preview, here's what my ID template looks like:
Boring, right? Of course. I was gonna draft separate layouts for this, and in one brief moment, I told myself, why make limited designs when I can just ask them what they want added there? Why not personalize it to their liking? So I tried it on the first ever ID (mine, obviously) using this template, and as you see below, it turned out great.
The back part was easier to do. I just did a little bit of tweaking on the original design. I grayscaled the top and the bottom parts, left the basic background design for a more simplistic look, and added character information on the middle of the image like the QR code, among others.
Printing will be done sometime next week, as I am still waiting for any last-minute changes from the people whom I designed those for; and as soon as I'm done with everyone's designs, I'll be more than glad to publish them here. The IDs might be printed on a 3.5x2.5 inch PVC format, laminated and hardbound for protection.
Well, that's it for my first step in making something that's worthwhile. I'm excited in doing more for the group, like T-Shirts, ID laces, even jackets maybe. This may prove useful in promoting the clan in public events, conventions and all.
As of the moment, I'm gonna find a way to get myself beer, and with that said, until next time, fools.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Jumper
Got started on the manga-ka biz just for the hell of it. Damn, the story's way too easy to pull off, it's the details I'm worried about. And also, there's this thing I'm concerned about my writing, since it's been a while since I've done so, I may have some plot holes every now and then. Story discrepancies. I might not get the plot flow right on the first try.
Hell, it's the first try, you know. Everybody falls on the first jump.
I still don't know if I'll still pursue that former career. I said to myself that that was the last time that I was gonna do it due to the best home-to-work proximity range I had and the ease of access to whatever, yet I find myself clueless as to what other long-term move I'd be getting. Practicality states that I should give it one more try in order for my cash flow to somewhat stabilize, but the question is for how long I should keep up with it. Will it be until I get enough money again to study and become a person professing some thing that I don't practice, or do I just bum out until a miracle comes?
Damn. Would it sedate my hesitation, or inflame me and make me stall? I'm running out of options here, and considering that I'm also in a huge struggle against this writer's block, I'm screwed for the meantime.
I hate to depend on Lady Luck, but I don't wanna gamble on a Minesweeper bomb either. Come on, Kajiren, make up your damn mind, before somebody else dictates stuff for you. Step back from the ledge, my friend.
Hell, it's the first try, you know. Everybody falls on the first jump.
I still don't know if I'll still pursue that former career. I said to myself that that was the last time that I was gonna do it due to the best home-to-work proximity range I had and the ease of access to whatever, yet I find myself clueless as to what other long-term move I'd be getting. Practicality states that I should give it one more try in order for my cash flow to somewhat stabilize, but the question is for how long I should keep up with it. Will it be until I get enough money again to study and become a person professing some thing that I don't practice, or do I just bum out until a miracle comes?
Damn. Would it sedate my hesitation, or inflame me and make me stall? I'm running out of options here, and considering that I'm also in a huge struggle against this writer's block, I'm screwed for the meantime.
I hate to depend on Lady Luck, but I don't wanna gamble on a Minesweeper bomb either. Come on, Kajiren, make up your damn mind, before somebody else dictates stuff for you. Step back from the ledge, my friend.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Scattered Bottles, Dirty Floor
Gotta start off with this year with a bang, they say.
Welcome, 2010! Welcome to the dawning of a new, uhm, what's new anyway? It's still the same ol' everyday, no biggie. The same DoTA, the same drinking partners, the same ota people... I wish the fireworks next New Year become nuclear! Hah. That would stir up an international convention or two.
Don't mind me, I'm used to me too. All this talk about apathy, destruction and suffering will numb your senses sooner than you think. Believe me, I've been mushy before, and as I clearly remember, it didn't last long. I had to attend apathy classes again to rid me of that Care-Bear feeling.
It's nice to see that there's like two more years before the so-called Mayan planet death thing. I'm getting excited already (not)! I mean, who in the world would love seeing their home turf die out on them? I ain't superstitious or religious or anything, but if there were signs of unexplained global instability showing up, then that would only mean that everybody's gonna panic, pray, lock themselves up inside a bomb shelter (for the nth time, e.g. Y2K), commit suicide (you'll never catch me alive, motherf*cker!), and do other stupid stuff.
If it does happen (which is in my own honest opinion, never in this lifetime), then you'd see me having a relaxing stroll in the park, smoking my Reds, enjoying the liveliness of the entire populace, and watching them run for their lives. I might pick up an FHM December 2012 International Edition containing Sena Ayanami as Our Lady of The Apocalypse of the Month. Who knows? There might even be an End-of-Days Clearance Sale in Glorietta when the time comes.
And then I wake up. I'm back in this mundane world. I don't care about when the world will expire, all I care about is how to make an impact while the world is not yet doomed.
The sun is up, but I want more.
Bang.
The Daily Dud
Oh yeah. Char's gonna get it now.
Listening to:
Hatebreed - Destroy Everything
Last watched:
South Park - The List
Make/Break Your Day Quote:
Welcome, 2010! Welcome to the dawning of a new, uhm, what's new anyway? It's still the same ol' everyday, no biggie. The same DoTA, the same drinking partners, the same ota people... I wish the fireworks next New Year become nuclear! Hah. That would stir up an international convention or two.
Don't mind me, I'm used to me too. All this talk about apathy, destruction and suffering will numb your senses sooner than you think. Believe me, I've been mushy before, and as I clearly remember, it didn't last long. I had to attend apathy classes again to rid me of that Care-Bear feeling.
It's nice to see that there's like two more years before the so-called Mayan planet death thing. I'm getting excited already (not)! I mean, who in the world would love seeing their home turf die out on them? I ain't superstitious or religious or anything, but if there were signs of unexplained global instability showing up, then that would only mean that everybody's gonna panic, pray, lock themselves up inside a bomb shelter (for the nth time, e.g. Y2K), commit suicide (you'll never catch me alive, motherf*cker!), and do other stupid stuff.
If it does happen (which is in my own honest opinion, never in this lifetime), then you'd see me having a relaxing stroll in the park, smoking my Reds, enjoying the liveliness of the entire populace, and watching them run for their lives. I might pick up an FHM December 2012 International Edition containing Sena Ayanami as Our Lady of The Apocalypse of the Month. Who knows? There might even be an End-of-Days Clearance Sale in Glorietta when the time comes.
And then I wake up. I'm back in this mundane world. I don't care about when the world will expire, all I care about is how to make an impact while the world is not yet doomed.
The sun is up, but I want more.
Bang.
The Daily Dud
Oh yeah. Char's gonna get it now.
Listening to:
Hatebreed - Destroy Everything
Last watched:
South Park - The List
Make/Break Your Day Quote:
I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am. - Homer J. Simpson
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Coming Down The World Turned Over
January the 2nd. Midnight, more or less. An aibo lost a cellphone today, so I'm offering mine for use. It's not like anybody would text me important messages (well, except for beer)! Now, onto pressing matters...
I'll be doing literary stuff again, this time in the form of a one-shot comic book, Nippon style. It's a self-made manga about the everyday life of Vaten and its members. I just got this wack program that does strip panels and comic book effects in a flash, so I thought that would save me some time before the convention starts, and hopefully, I get to drink afterwards for a job well done.
Got to successfully remove a stupid MBR virus from the laptop, which is one of the hardest shit I had to do for a computer. I am also spending an accumulated twelve-hour-a-week stay at my folks' flat just to see how they were doing.
New Year's a bitch. It wasn't that interesting enough, but I do get to have a new New Year's Resolution:
No more New Year's Resolutions. Ever.
That's it for now, better get back to watching the world suffer. I might miss something, so, soré ja.
I'll be doing literary stuff again, this time in the form of a one-shot comic book, Nippon style. It's a self-made manga about the everyday life of Vaten and its members. I just got this wack program that does strip panels and comic book effects in a flash, so I thought that would save me some time before the convention starts, and hopefully, I get to drink afterwards for a job well done.
Got to successfully remove a stupid MBR virus from the laptop, which is one of the hardest shit I had to do for a computer. I am also spending an accumulated twelve-hour-a-week stay at my folks' flat just to see how they were doing.
Aww, what's with the concerned mindset? Where did the "couldn't care less" attitude go?
New Year's a bitch. It wasn't that interesting enough, but I do get to have a new New Year's Resolution:
No more New Year's Resolutions. Ever.
That's it for now, better get back to watching the world suffer. I might miss something, so, soré ja.
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