Kajiren online. Hadn't got much sleep today, was helping people with their schoolwork. It doesn't look like the everyday Kaji that just accepts chores like this, but in some redeeming kind of way, helping other people achieve something also helps me lighten up my own hidden burdens as well. It's as if there was an older relative of mine is scolding me to do things that really don't concern me, much less benefit me in any manner whatsoever.
I love being of use to people, but I don't get any great feel of satisfaction from it, to be honest. It just basically keeps me from thinking of depressing stuff that I really don't talk about in person. Anything that would keep me busy will attract my attention, just as long as I don't get involved with those matters too much. Like I said before, sticking with a thought too long will consume your brain cells. The reality is, I'm trying to get away from it by suppressing my emotions for the past two and a half years, but every week, I feel like I'm deteriorating from inside out. It's not like I don't have the guts to tell anyone about it, but I believe almost everybody knows about it anyway. If I could have my mind wiped clean off the slate, I'd be more than welcome to let them experiment with my brain and stuff. But alas, it will never work that way.
I remember the last hours of Frodo inside The Shire. He says to Sam that his memories will never walk away. It's the same case. Forgetting is easy with discipline, and I've already tried for oh so long. But if those memories are ingrained, embedded in your environment, then there's really nothing you can do about it. No matter where you go, they stay with you. It only gets worse when you try to avoid it. It's already gone, and it's not coming back.
Family and friends will always be there, but everybody always has something else more important in their lives. They may end up staying with you where you can fight to be happy, or you can find out sooner or later that you'd have to deal with them being just memories, and you can only remember them more vaguely than after waking up five minutes after a dream. You'd realize that once upon a time, everything fit. The missing piece just doesn't complete the picture anymore.
It's been a while. I have to get busy... again.
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