And with this burning

New Android QWERTY slider phone. Testing. Checking. Making sure not to mess up and ruin a dream. Practicing consistency. Avoiding tardiness. Randomly typing my chain of thought. Daydreaming of being with a reacquired flame. I've never been so alive.

Am I Very Far Now?

Around a month and a half has passed, and I feel useless. Same old depression about the same ghosts and apparitions are consistently haunting me, not letting me continue on with my life. Now in the moment of rebooting, reinitializing the drive, hoping that my sound card still works so that I can Skype my needs better to whoever needs my presence.

I've got fifteen minutes to finish this post, an hour later to explain myself to the higher-ups, a whole day tomorrow to get my life back, and five months to prove my worth for whatever's left of me. Seven minutes.

Finalizing.

Now conditioning my CPU for a very arduous task: Perseverance.

I am on the mountain peak, looking down, feeling pains in breathing. Now all I need to do is to ski down the safest way possible to wherever destination I want to be, or I can just snowball downhill and crash into everything on my path. I know what I want, what I need, but if I indeed go out of path or if I see more losses than gains, then I guess I'd rather freeze to death than take other people's happiness away.

They told me that I can do anything just as long as I'm there where I'm needed. Now let's see if it's gonna work.

Tell me all your thoughts on God. I'm skipping cracks in the street and asking.

I Welcome This Pain

A month of nothing.

A near-empty wallet, a mind on the brink of breaking, a one-sided conversation, a false hope looming.

When I rushed back to a fort I thought I was safe and secure in, I realized that I was again bound. Not by ropes nor by chains, but by a pervasive credo emanating from inside the premises that I have to abide in. My life's teachings, my experiences, my beliefs, all were challenged by the masses, trying to dilute the very essence of what I truly had a firm grasp on... my sanity. It was as if a food engineer was thrown back to the Medieval Ages and forced their idea down his throat that tomatoes are the Devil's favorite fruit.

It was wrong of me to ever come back. I was under the impression that I can make this work with the blood-kin, but nobody ever told me that I was not allowed to be myself to achieve it. No specifics, but most of what I had in control went really awry, lots of reservations cancelled, and due to this, I was slowly starting to feel like the Earth itself was tilting on the wrong part of the axis, and me along with it.

I could not blame this castle. I was once its tenant, when every new thing was still budding here and there back in the day. I understand the changes that happen and the new regulations that must be enforced, and I humbly accept the consequences once I deviate from the norms. And yet, by honoring all that they hold sacred and dear, I lose almost everything. How could a set of rules made for the betterment of everybody be so inefficient on only me? How come when I follow them, and sometimes I get absolutely routine in doing so, I get the short straw? I could accept that if it happened once, twice, heck, I could have forgiven and forgotten it even on the third try! But yeah, maybe it's my fault for sticking it through, because almost everyday seems like an utter failure waiting to happen, and to be frank with it, this is happening to a guy who rarely ever goes pessimistic.

Somehow, I might have been jinxed. Other people are relying on me to grab what's reachable and fight my way up, but all I hear here is that I have to succumb to "The System". I'd have to somehow destroy it now to prevent future catastrophes, but casualties will not be avoided if I go along this path. But if I give it some time for me to recuperate before I run and let myself start anew with the ones who currently need me, I can forget all of this crap and not be burdened by the house anymore.

But as of the moment, I welcome this pain beating down on me. Is it their eyes that choose not to see?

Otoko no Michi

Naze?

Sonna koto nainda. Mitsukenai, ore no mirai. Ano akai tabako ga shinitai. Soshite, sake no koto, daikirai. Taihen, taihen!

Ore no sakusen, ore no kimochi, shinjutsu. Zenbu wo kieru. Tadashi, tsuyoku naraba, tabun. Subete ga ore no sei de. Kuraudo no kotoba no you ni:

Ore wa yurusararetai to omou no yo. Sou, yurusararetai.

Watashi tachi, omoide ni maketta no?

Moero! Seigi no Gakuen: Makerarenai, minna no tame ni...

Arigatou, Kazama Akira.

Ways to Fall

There's a hole inside my boat. I need to stay afloat for the summer.

It took me by surprise. A sin that has been forgiven twice had resurfaced like the changing tides. History has rewritten itself through my arteries all over again. I am unable to fight it, moreso avoid it. Just as when I was on the winning momentum, a wrong slab was taken off my Jenga, collapsing my intricate, yet near-stable tower of progress. I had the words "Rickroll" jotted down on my face.

To say that one needs freedom to fall and suffer is something I could not understand. How does one let that happen to the ones they love? How does one let them suffer themselves and not share the burden? Why let a good thing go to nothing?

Do I still fight? Would I still fight? Should I still fight?

I am only armed with a peashooter today. I do not have an automatic rifle, I am no David that has the luck of hitting Goliath on the head in one shot. I have failed so many times with the same tactics before, humiliating myself everytime with the same results. But not letting myself fight is unmanly, because a man should do all that he can to protect and satisfy his woman to the best of his abilities.

I'll get my strength up. I'll keep my hopes up. Today is not the end of the world, not unless I say so. I will get what is mine, and I will do it in my own way. I will not linger on the floor while I'm down. I will get my future wife, and I will get her kid with me too. All I have to be is myself, and I will also be loved the way I want to be loved.

I will not lose them like how I lost those who came before them. I will accept no lesser result.

Hero

Back in the day, I used to take long walks to certain places in a flip of a coin. Heads meant strolling back to memory lane, mostly to the capital, tails for random wandering. More often than not, I find myself lost after a couple of hours. I didn't have to worry about going home; I always knew my way to places. I was lost in a sense that I was not found, nor was in the process of being retrieved. I was nonexistent. I was treated as a specter, a wisp, an apparition; Everybody knows of my existence, some even acknowledge it, but, I am not seen nor heard. Not that I really cared about the idea before, but then again, I chose to drift, floating like a fallen leaf on a river. I didn't want to be bothered, I didn't want to be found.

I believed that there was no healing process for somebody who chose to not feel. There was no pain felt to begin with. Or maybe what had happened was that instead of a release, an emotional lock-down occurred, restraining any chance of either good or bad outcomes to happen. There was no happiness nor sadness to be understood. Hence, The Drifting Flame.

Although, memories are just memories. And from what I might have learned from those small tours through the years, being hollow to the world does have its benefits. I learned how to be unbiased. I learned how to tell people how to see what benefits both parties more while pointing out their mistakes without causing more damage. I learned how to be more tolerant with people who only has words as weapons, although sticks and stones will still do more to me. I learned why people do the things they do, but I would not tell them if it would not be necessary to say so.

I can't say I am indebted to a certain someone or something for this trait I possess, since nobody really showed me how to be me. I did not have any role models, no Supermen nor Batmen. But, I do know I want to be selfless. I want to save people, but be forgotten after the deed. I want to disappear just like the wind, I want to be needed but people would have no control over when I would appear and how.

But of course, I am also human. Even after all that I had been through, I would always want to reserve a little bit of something for people who want me to stay. I can never say that they are mine, but as far as I see it, I am and always will be theirs, be it family, friends, or a loved one. The things I do might not be very understandable for the most of the world, but what I can do is struggle with the strength I have been given, and if possible, make miracles happen, so that by the time I really do come home, physically and mentally, I will have become somebody they can be proud of...

A hero, even just for one day.

Again

How can I be strong, I ask myself, time and time I say... I don't want to walk this earth if I gotta do it solo.

Four months. Haven't checked in on this for ages. I'm losing my pride, my balance, my will to be. It's one of those times that you can never figure out why people could get so cold and yet, be as gentle afterwards. A roundtrip from the Arctic passing through Africa and ending on the Antarctic, only to backtrack down south again. I'm tired. I want to settle down. If only there was some way to procure that amount of money before the two months end, then I would do exactly that, by all means.

Please give me the strength to go on and make it happen. I really need it. I don't care how much, as long as I can make her happy everyday, that would do. If not, then at least let me fight until my last breath passes. She deserves to be happy, and that is all I am fighting for.