Around a month and a half has passed, and I feel useless. Same old depression about the same ghosts and apparitions are consistently haunting me, not letting me continue on with my life. Now in the moment of rebooting, reinitializing the drive, hoping that my sound card still works so that I can Skype my needs better to whoever needs my presence.
I've got fifteen minutes to finish this post, an hour later to explain myself to the higher-ups, a whole day tomorrow to get my life back, and five months to prove my worth for whatever's left of me. Seven minutes.
Finalizing.
Now conditioning my CPU for a very arduous task: Perseverance.
I am on the mountain peak, looking down, feeling pains in breathing. Now all I need to do is to ski down the safest way possible to wherever destination I want to be, or I can just snowball downhill and crash into everything on my path. I know what I want, what I need, but if I indeed go out of path or if I see more losses than gains, then I guess I'd rather freeze to death than take other people's happiness away.
They told me that I can do anything just as long as I'm there where I'm needed. Now let's see if it's gonna work.
Tell me all your thoughts on God. I'm skipping cracks in the street and asking.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
I Welcome This Pain
A month of nothing.
A near-empty wallet, a mind on the brink of breaking, a one-sided conversation, a false hope looming.
When I rushed back to a fort I thought I was safe and secure in, I realized that I was again bound. Not by ropes nor by chains, but by a pervasive credo emanating from inside the premises that I have to abide in. My life's teachings, my experiences, my beliefs, all were challenged by the masses, trying to dilute the very essence of what I truly had a firm grasp on... my sanity. It was as if a food engineer was thrown back to the Medieval Ages and forced their idea down his throat that tomatoes are the Devil's favorite fruit.
It was wrong of me to ever come back. I was under the impression that I can make this work with the blood-kin, but nobody ever told me that I was not allowed to be myself to achieve it. No specifics, but most of what I had in control went really awry, lots of reservations cancelled, and due to this, I was slowly starting to feel like the Earth itself was tilting on the wrong part of the axis, and me along with it.
I could not blame this castle. I was once its tenant, when every new thing was still budding here and there back in the day. I understand the changes that happen and the new regulations that must be enforced, and I humbly accept the consequences once I deviate from the norms. And yet, by honoring all that they hold sacred and dear, I lose almost everything. How could a set of rules made for the betterment of everybody be so inefficient on only me? How come when I follow them, and sometimes I get absolutely routine in doing so, I get the short straw? I could accept that if it happened once, twice, heck, I could have forgiven and forgotten it even on the third try! But yeah, maybe it's my fault for sticking it through, because almost everyday seems like an utter failure waiting to happen, and to be frank with it, this is happening to a guy who rarely ever goes pessimistic.
Somehow, I might have been jinxed. Other people are relying on me to grab what's reachable and fight my way up, but all I hear here is that I have to succumb to "The System". I'd have to somehow destroy it now to prevent future catastrophes, but casualties will not be avoided if I go along this path. But if I give it some time for me to recuperate before I run and let myself start anew with the ones who currently need me, I can forget all of this crap and not be burdened by the house anymore.
But as of the moment, I welcome this pain beating down on me. Is it their eyes that choose not to see?
A near-empty wallet, a mind on the brink of breaking, a one-sided conversation, a false hope looming.
When I rushed back to a fort I thought I was safe and secure in, I realized that I was again bound. Not by ropes nor by chains, but by a pervasive credo emanating from inside the premises that I have to abide in. My life's teachings, my experiences, my beliefs, all were challenged by the masses, trying to dilute the very essence of what I truly had a firm grasp on... my sanity. It was as if a food engineer was thrown back to the Medieval Ages and forced their idea down his throat that tomatoes are the Devil's favorite fruit.
It was wrong of me to ever come back. I was under the impression that I can make this work with the blood-kin, but nobody ever told me that I was not allowed to be myself to achieve it. No specifics, but most of what I had in control went really awry, lots of reservations cancelled, and due to this, I was slowly starting to feel like the Earth itself was tilting on the wrong part of the axis, and me along with it.
I could not blame this castle. I was once its tenant, when every new thing was still budding here and there back in the day. I understand the changes that happen and the new regulations that must be enforced, and I humbly accept the consequences once I deviate from the norms. And yet, by honoring all that they hold sacred and dear, I lose almost everything. How could a set of rules made for the betterment of everybody be so inefficient on only me? How come when I follow them, and sometimes I get absolutely routine in doing so, I get the short straw? I could accept that if it happened once, twice, heck, I could have forgiven and forgotten it even on the third try! But yeah, maybe it's my fault for sticking it through, because almost everyday seems like an utter failure waiting to happen, and to be frank with it, this is happening to a guy who rarely ever goes pessimistic.
Somehow, I might have been jinxed. Other people are relying on me to grab what's reachable and fight my way up, but all I hear here is that I have to succumb to "The System". I'd have to somehow destroy it now to prevent future catastrophes, but casualties will not be avoided if I go along this path. But if I give it some time for me to recuperate before I run and let myself start anew with the ones who currently need me, I can forget all of this crap and not be burdened by the house anymore.
But as of the moment, I welcome this pain beating down on me. Is it their eyes that choose not to see?
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